I want to get off this roller coaster

I want to be at peace

I want to be quiet and I also want to scream, is this is a reality or is that a daydream?

I want to get off this roller coaster and get on a boat

I'll reach my final destination when I do, if I even have one by the time it's true.

I have enough fuel and belief in the water

I may not trust the sea but I trust this campus and it belongs to me

No one else can tell me my place.

This world is too big for me mommy 

I'm just trying to make them care 

The water is too deep for me daddy

I'm just gasping for air 

I want to get off this train 

I want to stop crying so that I can feel the rain 

And I want to stop fighting so that I can start existing 

I want to be quiet 

And I want to scream

So tell me brother 

Is this a reality

Or, is that a daydream?

I've been taking more showers

I've been drinking more tea

I've been doing my homework

My lists, my workout, my boundaries

And I've been keeping no secrets from my family

I'm still struggling often

I'm still figuring out

But much is feeling different

I'm on a different route

No immediate results promised

No expectations, no stress

But I promise to be different

Action, preparation and rest

I'm not interested in hustling

In running till I'm out of breath

I walk fast, I walk slow

As long as I'm walking, I'm winning my race

I've been making good friends with some of my exes 

I've been feeling detached and forgiving for the rest

I've been making better art and better decisions

I live in the now,

and excited for the next

Watch the flames
Too empathetic to say “I told you so”
Too sad to cry, too hot to feel
Watch the flames
Knowing that you tried
Knowing you probably could have done better
Watch the wind, lifting houses
Breathe the sand in
That’s the purest air you can get
Miss your family
Some couldn’t survive
Too hot to feel, too sad to cry
Watch the flames, burning forests
Say goodbye to your pets
Watch the flames
On your body
Tearing down your clothes
And the last commercial
on a falling skyscraper saying:
the future is now.

I can feel it again
The heart grows bigger
And love grows deeper
As I’m learning to love myself again
More space opens up to love others
And if I give it enough time
The heart grows
Full of stretch marks
Like a growing teenager’s back
Like the legs of a runner
And a little like a butt getting bigger from squats
Yeah, just like that
Full of stretch marks and scars
But it’s still a heart
And stretch marks don’t mean nothing but good stories for pillow talks
If I give it enough time to heal
Because I allowed myself to find joy all by myself
Now I’m almost free with somebody else
So I’m learning to love myself again
Enough time was spent on self hatred and pain, bleeding wounds that are starting to fade
Now all I’m left with, are some cuddle-worthy pillow talks
And clearer boundaries for myself
Now some truly good people
love me just the way I am
With stretch marks

I feel sick, but I’m healing
I’m in pain, but I’m fine
I thought I loved you.
I thought I loved you.
I feel weak, but I’m strong
I feel empty, but I’m full of passion
I can’t feel it now
I’ll feel it later.
I’ll feel it later.
I want to stop, but I can’t I want to die, but there’s so much to live for
I want it all to end, the traumas to be deleted off my brain
I’ll be a new person.
I’ll be a new person.
I feel sick, but I’m healing
I’m in pain, but I’m fine
I do this all the time.
I do this all the time.

I don't want to see their faces
I don't want to know their pride
I don't want to remember their passion, over something they don't truly mind
I don't want to see their faces
I don't want to play pretend
I don't want to believe that I might not be safe hereI don't want to forget my own name
I don't want their angry stares
Running from the radar at Oxford Square, for seeming middle eastern yet different (oh so she musts me oh she is)I don't want to feel their suppressed aggressions
Pouring out on a matter they know nothing of
I don't want to feel unsafeIn the country I moved to because I felt unsafe before
I don't want to protect I don't want to fight
For once in my life
I want to be ignored

Do you know what it’s like
When you wake up one day
And you realise that the universe gave you the rarest flower in the world to keep
And it’s a lot of responsibility
But it’s also the rarest flower in the world
So you lie in bed looking at it
Wondering
Why me? Of all people
What if I forget to water it?
What if I just don’t want to
But it’s the rarest flower in the world
You stare at it
And it stares back at you
You water it
And it blooms in all of its miraculous colours
You feel unworthy
Then all of a sudden
It doesn’t matter what you deserve
The whole concept of deserving becomes meaningless, empty
Because reality is present
Lively
Breath taking
This is the rarest flower in the world
And it’s yours to keep
So you better fucking water it

You are a pure creature
And I just wanted to say I love you
I grow out of this pain andI make my own wings
With the mind of a slow mathematician and a heart of a post traumatic artist
I am trying my best to make sense out of thisI see you nowA beautiful creature
With the mind of a successful Buddhist and the heart of a sea shellI love you wonderful creature
You are the rarest moon flowerI’ve ever tasted
The nicest fairy man I created love unintentionally with
And the sweetest purple catHere on earth I broke your shell, my needle touched your wings and I cried over your fur
But I’m becoming betterI’ll lick my wounds and support you
You know I gave you stardust in a gift bag
For you to make me disappear when you wish
But if I stay
Please say that you love me too
And that I’m a wildflower
Like you used to
Because I’m lonely here on earth

I took your pain

And made it into songs

Carefully curated 

The messages I wanted to be heard

My side of the story 

You loved me so much

But I have no love left for you

I turned all of it into songs

And as the time passed these songs stopped being songs about you

And started being songs about me

My healing, my art, my journey

But then you showed up

With that half smile and strange style that I helped you develop

And I suddenly recalled

That I spent years working on songs I wrote about you

And they suddenly make me feel things I haven't felt for so long

Because I did not allow myself to feel you

And I can't wait for you to be gone again

Far from my memory 

For me to own those songs again in my heart

And yet I enjoy the feeling 

The masochistic memory 

I'm so sorry It happened the way that it did

It's better this way

Better that she doesn't know 

That since I broke her heart I fell in love with her again

Let her move to another country

Live her life with her lovely boyfriend 

Don't split her heart again 

She's too sensitive 

I'm too cold

It's better this way

Better that I don't take advantage of my natural passive aggressiveness 

To manipulate someone I love to get high off of my inconsistencies 

Better that she doesn't know that every time I look at her I want to kiss her

Better that she doesn't notice the way my pupils dilate

Blame it on the light

Blame it on me

It's better that she doesn't know that she sits across my stares of wonder and my feelings of regret 

Better that we use purple heart emojis instead of red

And better that she knows I'm her friend forever 

And not a passing fling or a hurtful lover

It's better this way

Better for her.

Poison - It burns down the throat like alcohol but the taste is different 

This isn't a crazy night with friends, no

This isn't a night of lovers

Poison 

The dissonance between what they expect you to be and what you are is unimaginable 

Your Dad killed himself when you were just a boy with the same old - poison 

Your mom was drunk ever since and tried to die on pills but you say you're not that bad

You must be a strong man 

You don't see the - poison 

But it hurts all the same

And all the women you ever loved told you that you are helpless 

That you are - poison 

That all men are bound to be - poison 

It only takes love and therapy to suck out all of this 

Until the last drop of this

And you don't see how strong you are that you're not a criminal or dead already

A I gave you tough love hoping that you see the, I told you that you have cPTSD because I,

I know the taste of - poison 

And I don't want this for you

The night sky is only a reflection of your tears when you cry
The universe changes its colours and textures into crystal clear water and salt
The reality seen beyond your tears is stretched, twisted
Nothing else matters when you cry
Nothing is as real, as pure and powerfulI love youI can say that now with confidence
Those heavy words lie softly, like feathers on your heavy heartI will never tell you not to cry
Because I’ve learned that denial is the enemy of truth
While truth can be perceived in many different ways or forms, it’s always there
Always existing just like love
But when you’ll stop cryingThen the universe can return to its original form
Marvellous dark blue, shiny white colours and to the texture of many fluffy cloudsWhen you stop crying
The pain will clear the space from your heart
And you can finally let those words sink in your deep water: I love you
And I can’t wait for you to feel it
And see the beauty of the night sky
Of you
Bend the mirror
See yourself
It’s only a reflection

You may not understand my gender expression but I feel like both a princess and a knight and it makes me happy
I'm not broken nor confused and it makes you thirsty
A bit different than what's acceptingly different and definitely not the norm
But where I see charm in the mystery, you see danger in the unknown and that's why you envy me
I may understand you when you don't want to be understood and that makes you feel weak
But if my confidence threatens you, who is the one who needs to self reflect really?
Don't bring up my personal history because you can't handle the present me
It's sad you never knew there will come a person to make you face your emotional responsibility
And you may not understand how to box me in a way that makes me smaller than you so you hate me instead
It's as if something in me is flawed in its core
But I worked and survived psychological slavery and physical abuse to get to me
I'm just a person amongst many others that I celebrate
I'm both a princess and a knight
And that makes me happy

Become a person: look outside of this dungeon-like structure
And break it down
Become a person: use the same building blocks to build a castle
Live in it alone with cats, and know that you are happier
Even if you can't feel it yet
Become a person: make stupid mistakes just to test boundaries set by society
Like a teenager but not, you weren't allowed to it when you were young
Make the inner design of the castle your own
Start with what you know, and move with what you're curious about
Become a person: one that validates their own thoughts and feelings
One that takes responsibility on themselves and distantly cares for others
Instead of the other way around, the only way you thought you could exist
Be a person, living in an unbreakable castle with cats
and guard dogs that only help when you need their help
Otherwise, they cuddle
Let people see the castle you've built all by yourself
From blocks that used to be the dungeon you were abused in
Let only those you trust inside, and have an amazing time
Hide nothing, show off nothing
You are a person. A valid person
That you have built all by yourself
And this is your castle:
Do as the queen commands

I couldn't find you in your eyes and that was terrifying
I didn't know who to blame, who took you away from you
A drug in your eyes instead of a person it didn't open your mind but it let you run from it
Those things aren't good or bad by default, but if you don't know how to use a tool it could turn into a weapon and you've hurt yourself
You hurt me
There's no guide book to illegal substances
I remember the morning, you tried blaming it on me as you were saying sorry
Showing vulnerability is so hard for someone who grew up like this
You don't know how masculine I am
And you don't know how powerful
I showed you what you wanted to see because I didn't know the real me yet
And showing vulnerability is hard for someone who grew up like I did
Yesterday you visited me in my dream
And all we did was kiss for hours
I like you better as a fantasy
It hurts me less

Care for her, little narcissist
Care for the small sociopath
Love her. Let her take your love and throw it to the floor
Feel the explosion
Care for her, little egotist
She is just what her father sees in her, in fact she wasn't but she's finally become
Care for her! little sociopath
She gives herself validation through pain, in a world that glorifies workaholics
Love her, little sociopath
Give her all your heart, for she is a child, and you are her family
And every time she ignores your love she gets a little bit colder
But one day she'll look back and she will cry so, so hard
Because you didn't know what she didn't tell
Until it was too late and she already broke your heart multiple times
And her own is shattered
But she'll build again
As this is growth for this little child
Who's become a teen who's become an adult
Who's tried so hard to be enough to everybody
Just, anyone at all
Even those who abused her
Especially them
Love the little narcissist
She'll always remember your love
And one day, she will tell you
How much she always loved you
And that your love
Kept her alive

Take all your human flaws, and give in. Accept that you are false by nature
Accept that there is no way out. Death may be the ending of life but life may only be an aspect of existence
There is no good reason to believe yes or no, so give in
Life is precious if you make it valuable. Life is pain if you give up. Don’t give up - Give in
Our brains have extraordinary abilities to do incredible things
But some things are beyond our perception, so give in
Your role if there is one is unknown, the rules if there are any are bound to physics, so give in
Explore to make life better, ask to know more
But accept that you will never know how things can be endless
Because they may have started in the future, shaped like a circle, one leading to the other
And you are forever trapped within existence, because existence isn’t life
Death won’t free you from existence, only potentially from life
But you were given the Niagara Falls and the northern lights
And the ability to love and to shine
So give in. Don’t fight, it’s a waste of your energy, that precious ingredient of life
Swim with or against the tides
But don’t try to escape the sea,
so you don’t drown inside
Drink and eat and thrive
I prefer to be thankful for this fraction in time in which I’m alive
I give in
To survive

Paradoxes are the proof that logic doesn't exist
Future influences the past and we know that theoretically
But causation is much more complicated than this
And anything too complicated is manipulated, it's a process on another processes
Truth is simple
As simple as this -  logic doesn't exist
Just another coping mechanism of the human race
Animals with minds that think far enough to disconnect one part from another
Lose proportion, have no context
It's another psychological complex
We live in chaos with guidelines that if exist, are much different than what we can perceive
It all comes down to elements, everything that there is
But logic is an incomplete theory
It's a thesis undone by it's creator
The creator is human, incapable of perfection
This is why I don't believe I'll ever experience absolute truth in my life
Paradoxes are the proof that logic doesn't exist, not in its current form for the least. We lack dimensions that we can’t think from
And it scares me, and I don't know why I care, as a creature all I want is to be happy, but as an awareness, joy is not a part of my existence
Life is momentary, but existence is not. And it's moments like this, that I grieve my wisdom
And I despise anything that ever slowed me down
It's moments like this
That I'm coming to know all that I can't understand
And I feel truly
Momentarily
Alone

If you want me to be a shell
I'll wear the colours of pearls and shiny shades of pink and white and I'll tell you stories of the sea and forbidden islands
If you want me to be a blanket
I'll be soft and warm and comfort you
Soak your tears in and dry them upI'll be your favourite colour, and hold your favourite memories
If you need me to be a shield
I'll be strong and heavy and I'll protect you
If you need a friend
I'll hold your hand and say the words you need to hear
I'll keep you close and ask of your wellbeing
I'll give you all the space you ask for but insist you know where to find me when you need toIf you want me to be a lover
I'll kiss your body top to bottom all way through
And touch you where you like to be pleasured
We can distract ourselves as we pretend that it's okay that I'm a shell that you collect and throw away
Or a blanket that's left cold on the sopha
We can pretend that it's okay that I'm a shield that takes bullets for you
And without me you are vulnerable and weak
I'll be left looking at the aftermath lying on the floor with pride and terror
So that we can pretend that my pleasure is redundant and yours is holy
And when we're done pretending I will ask
If you know my heart or my enemies
If you know how much it hurts
For me to be a shield, or a blanket, or a shell
And I can no longer be the girl you loved
As I have changed for you

You're my false enemy
I see the darkness that surrounds you
But this is false darkness
Your darkness is unreal, it's a hallucination made by too much light
Your desire, your mistakes
You have so much light it creates the most blunt shadows
They run after you
All of the uncried tears

All of the unloved touch
You aren't useless, you aren't mean
Your darkness is unreal
And you are my false enemy
Who could trade a smile for a kiss
But you could never love me the way I want to be loved
And I could never not bring drama to your life
You fell because I pushed you to the edge
But I'm your false enemy
I could never mean you harm
I wanted to fuck you but I couldn't
Because I'd be looking for feelings that aren't there
I'd be looking for your trust which I lost
I wanted to play a game against a player as a first time's beginner and hope for beginners luck
Or maybe I'm wrong
And all I really wanted from my false enemy was freedom and passion
But I begged for what I was used to
I begged for reassurance
and I stayed for the challenge
I asked for forgiveness
but I stayed for the limits put to me
What I want from his lack of vulnerability and broken walls with sunlight passing through
Is the warmth of the sun and the heat of simple fun
But it's been a while since you left and I wish you knew how much clearer things are for me now
And how real was that love for you
And that hope to be close to you again
The need for continuity or closure
That's my true enemy

Some days I just want to cry forever
I don't know how to forgive and that's a problem
Problems I have learned I could fix
Tonight I just want to cry forever
Forever in a bed with no bed sheets on it, forever in a heart that's terrified of time

Forever in a sea shell
I feel too much empathy
I take everything in and think I'm supposed to fix it
Think I'm responsible for everyone's problems all of the time
I wasn't taught boundaries
I was taught contrast
Some days I want to cuddle in your arms , be so small that I disappear completely, let you go on with your life as if I never have existed
As if you never met me in the first place. It feels like a sin to want to take this joy from you
But every day that I feel you wish I could have been different
Yet you settle for me
That scares me, that haunts me
I want to be celebrated
But you are grieving
And there's nothing more hurtful than someone you love wanting more of you than you can give
I took something from you
I had to put myself first
I see your sadness and I'm trying to attack it with joy
but it's a sneaky little thing
I'm tired, I want to be wanted
I want to feel wanted when you tell how much you want me
I guess you should be allowed to feel sad, and trying to fix it is the actual problem
You're disappointed
I'm not enough

I lift you up, with gloves made of silk
Into a bag of raw cotton, it's all white, and soft.
So I look at you, what I triggered by putting up my walls, the dare I had to have to ask for sensitivity
To ask you to be careful with me because I'm a bit broken but I don't like showing it. What it did to you
Telling you what I need you to do or not to do, what I couldn't accept
Not because of my morals or logic
You know those are too holy for me not to doubt. But because I'm not okay but I don't like saying it. What I caused you. You fell apart in my anaemic arms, in my process of healing I broke your walls down, so I lift you up, with gloves made of silk
As if you're a fragile material and I'm a carrier on their first day of work and they really fucking need that money. There's a part of me that wants to break things, s part of me that wants to agree with you
To tell you you should feel guilt
You should feel hurt
But I don't want this for you
You gave me empathy
(it's not a weapon, fuck, how does healthy work? fuck fuck fuck ahhhh!!!)
This is a dangerous situation
I lift you up. I carried you with the care I wish my loved ones had to give me when I was looping
A part of it is empathetic, and a part of it is smart. A part of me made gloves made of silk, and a bag full with raw cotton, while another part was wanting to break things. Apart of me wants a wedding dress without a religion and without monogamy. It gave you gloves made of silk, the pure kind, and a bag full of raw cotton. It lift you up yet you are just about getting by, and then it asked you (I'm sorry sir but I think she's falling. I'm sorry lover I'm trying my best.She's not okay, She's not okay!
She's not okay!)

hey, i don't think i m fine now. lift me up ?
a re yo u ok?

How does it feel
for a person to discover the harm they have done, unintentionally
Denial, in their bones
Doubt, in their head
Acceptance, in their entire body
Eventually, it's like grief
They grieve the harm done to others. They grieve the harm they'd done to themselves. And I believe I'm strong, because I contain forgiveness. I am strong because I can speak with you and know how much you hurt me, and forgive
But do I really forgive, if I still want you to recognize
Can I forgive someone who won't say sorry, for what they can not remember. I contain no anger for their lack of memory, but deeply disrespect the reason for the lack of it. The insensitivity, the ease to traumatize. How can someone accept the extreme things they've done against their principles, their perception of their identity
and understanding of reality
without even having a memory?
What they've done to me is written in my bones. I always hoped I'll never be a victim, but my innocence fooled me, and the false belief
of that the person that made me the happiest, can not be the one to tear me a part. The lie that the one who saw the best in me, can not be the one to make me lose my self esteem, and treat me as if I'm an object. You always said you were a hypocrite, looked in the mirror and saying you're pretty sure you're a narcissist. But I just thought it was low self esteem. Never did I know that once I hurt your ego
You so easily could take my everything, but now all I'm left with is the doubt in my sanity
It's not fair that you still have this power on me. And I'm left with so much pity for you, because maybe one day you'll find that memory in your brain, and by that time you'll stay watching from a far
Wondering how could you do this to the one you loved the most
And I am far from you now
I'm truly sad it made you cry
I'm so sorry
for nothing at all

I showed you the marks on my mind
So you showed me the marks on your skin
They say God is love but love isn’t perfect
God isn’t perfect
You wanted me to forgive my most harmful parts, as if you wished you could forgive yourself
This familiar feeling from the futureI may not love you yet, but I bet I will
Because all that I’m not meant to feel so soon, I already feel
I sit there wondering how someone could hurt you so, and leave no traces to blame it on anyone else but you
I thought I should leave so I don’t do something similar, thinking I’m too dangerous of a person, thinking too much of myself, but knowing my sins (but you said you liked me, so I stayed)
God isn’t perfect, so it couldn’t be God in your eyes, no, you’re so much more than a person
You’re an inspiration
I showed you the marks on my mindSo you showed me the marks on your skin
Asking are you allowed to be happy? while you were doing it anyway
Stolen joy, guilt for every beautiful smile
It’s not fair, it shouldn’t be this way
Make it stop!
I want to take it and put it all away
So there’s a part of me that hates the universe for making you feel this pain
And another part that loves it
for letting me have you lie next to me
I was so far but you brought me all the way
And no one ever did that for meNo one knew how, they were too afraid to try – I was too weak to tell them why
Too terrified not to terrify
I’m lucky as the hell you think you deserve
But hell would steam if it met the warmth of your heart, so you see why they made heaven in the first place you perfect atheist?
And you may not love me yet but I know you will
Because you already feel all that I’m not supposed to feelAnd I know you’re imperfect, but I love your flaws and the rest will heal
All that I can do is to love you still
And I may not love you yet
but I know I will

I have resentment for you.
It's put in a black little box.
I stare at it for hours every day. 
But I don't open it. You walk right past it. Sometimes you don't even notice it's there. So much that you can just step on it. And like a landmine, it explodes. I fall into a small person. I become little.
I need help. You fall apart. You become a broken person. You need help. I become the bigger person.
I am not there for myself anymore.
I am not there. anymore. It hurts so much to feel your pain when I need more of you than you can give.
I swear I'm doing my best to need less of you! Black box.
I didn't put it there. It just showed up. And I latch onto it to validate my emotions. I'm keeping score. I'm testing you. I just want you to listen.
Black little box.
Broken black pieces on the floor.
I just put the pieces together.
And there it was. I never healed.
You never gave me
a chance
to heal

Death is always playing hide and seek with you. You call it then it calls you and it doesn't stop calling

In a dream or in an after thought

It's lurking in your shadow

It's present in your jokes

I see you with this aura 

A dark bass that shines bright

Magically, somehow

You're weird to me, but normal is weirder. And I chose you

Or the universe chose us to be put together in a box like this somehow

You chose life. I am life in my essence

Yet, death is playing with you

Not in illness no it's different

It's playful in how it comes

Like a dark soul but a young soul

Very, very young. Like it wants you but it can also sympathize. Like it wants you but it can not touch you because you have more to do in this life. And I'm seeing opportunities thrown at you. I'm seeing fairytales and a fabric made of never ending love. I'm seeing you, you see it's you, in purple, black and blue

And death can keep playing

I got no intent to tease

Or disrespect. But this one has got a lot longer to play

And I plan to live with them for every part of the way.

I've wanted to say sorry
To my Mom, for the endless worry that I caused her
For my inability to sleep, or to eat, or, to trust the truth of my own thoughts growing up
I've wanted to say sorry
To my Dad, for the powers he gave me that he really needed for himself
I've wanted to say sorry to my brother, for the fear I caused, my desire to die and the actual consideration of it as a teenager
And I am sorry, but I grow to realize that things are different than I thought. We hunt for reason, for accurate causation in our moments of grief and misery, but I was too weak to have had any control or true perception of reality
Too young. I was abused and traumatized into denying my own memories and feelings and it hurt the people that I love the most
The reality is that tragedies happen
And they've happened to me
And I caused pain to others who cared for me
Tragedies happen just like miracles
Unexpectedly sometimes
And in strengths of emotions you could never have imagined your body was capable of feeling
I am so sorry. It makes me sad
But I am happy to let go
It's my responsibility to heal
But it's not my fault that I've been ill
I love you

I've been asking people around
Of different sizes, different shapes
How to get to you? How can I, get to you? Far away, up a hill with his headphones in a box made of steel
How to get to you? How can I, get to you? Making you less of a person, a challenge, a song. You hate being figured out. How to get to you? How can I, get to you? In the fight to keep myself feeling safe. Not to give up on who I am next to you
How do I get to you? How can I, get to you? If only you would give up on your judgment towards me
Which is judgment towards yourself Your reflection in me that you can't look at. Maybe you could get to me
You want to be close to me, waving at me from up that hill. And I tried climbing and I tried digging. I lost the worth of all my skills. Sitting by a little flower down that hill. How I wish I could make you smile
So much I want to keep you in my life. And I made myself a little less
So now I'll make myself a little more
I don't think I could get to you
You're scared of me now I'm scared of you. Waving from down that hill
Sending you a smile in the mail
Don't read into it if the box is soaked
I'm going back home
So I can finally get to me.

You sit back, and you stare at this magnificent creature
which you thought her whole being was a flame
So you see the flame turning into fire
And suddenly the whole room is up in flames. You’re reckless
Trapped between her darkness and her light, and all is red
But you’ve known her as a blue, a very hot little blue flame
You look around, trying to trace blue traces, but the light is too bright, too powerful. Sometimes when she sleeps, you stare at her from a far
And what you see, when she sleeps - it’s remarkable
Her dreams start dancing in the room, and everything is blue
She dances underwater, collecting shells and playing with fish
This is the girl you knew, you think to yourself, crawling in nostalgia and fear back into your room and falling in exhaustion. You wish you could have stayed another moment, but the fire took everything
Another scary moment arrives and you are reckless
This tortured monster that’s eating your kid alive is uncontrollable
You despise it, but as the days go by, you start to see this new life created. The water had started to communicate with the fire
You never even thought of communicating, it was much easier to try to kill this monster,
expect her doctors to solve her problems as if they knew anything at all . But for her -  it was death or freedom. You can finally listen
As fire and water collide in her art
This is everything you’ve ever wanted, but she takes her bag and leaves. Her need to connect is bigger than her room and yours too
She wants to explore and become deeper water, deadlier fire, a better person, a clearer queer
So you get back into your room and you wait, because some day
you’ll be close to her again
But for now

And she had the sweetest sunsets, right where she livedWaiting outside her window. Hundreds of colors, dancing in slow motionIn shades of grey and pink. Flames of blue and yellow. But she never stopped to look at them. And in the nights I could hear her cryIn the mornings she blamed it all on me. She wanted to die, because she never lived. She wanted to die because she was tortured before I ever knew she existed. She’d do anything in her power to be unlike her mother, hurtful and mad. But little did she know how much she hurt me. Little did I show it. I was busy watching sunsets. And sunsets have this wonderful tint when you want to dieThey have this melody to them, they are suddenly worth more than just sunsets. But that’s if you assume that anything, could be worth more than a sunset. I loved her at start and I hated her at last. All that I wanted was to be a friend but a friend can be a reason to live and that was far too unfamiliar to her in her overly saturated state of emotion. She’s just the kind of narcissist who would lie to themselves that they are a good person to others. That’s why rarely she was good, not to break this image of herself. Not to be just like her mother, hurtful and mad. And she made me feel so harmful just by breathing by her door. She made me feel so guilty just because I was singing about sunsets. In her mind her panic attacks were caused by my lack of sensitivity. But in my room I knew my own panic attacks were caused by false faults and insecurity, and only one of which was in her fault. So I never yelled, I never screamed. How can you scream in front of a sunset? I was just counting my days to leave. And now that I’m gone I can’t help but hope that one day. Maybe one day she’ll look outside her window. And she’ll feel that warm feeling that kept me going without losing my mind completely. Maybe she’ll see a few colors, and they’ll become hundreds, and if she stares long enough she’ll see them dancing in slow motionIn shades of purple and lilac. Flames of orange and red. And maybe she’ll feel a little bit better And that’s all I ever want to believe