I showed you the marks on my mind
So you showed me the marks on your skin
They say God is love but love isn’t perfect
God isn’t perfect
You wanted me to forgive my most harmful parts, as if you wished you could forgive yourself
This familiar feeling from the futureI may not love you yet, but I bet I will
Because all that I’m not meant to feel so soon, I already feel
I sit there wondering how someone could hurt you so, and leave no traces to blame it on anyone else but you
I thought I should leave so I don’t do something similar, thinking I’m too dangerous of a person, thinking too much of myself, but knowing my sins (but you said you liked me, so I stayed)
God isn’t perfect, so it couldn’t be God in your eyes, no, you’re so much more than a person
You’re an inspiration
I showed you the marks on my mindSo you showed me the marks on your skin
Asking are you allowed to be happy? while you were doing it anyway
Stolen joy, guilt for every beautiful smile
It’s not fair, it shouldn’t be this way
Make it stop!
I want to take it and put it all away
So there’s a part of me that hates the universe for making you feel this pain
And another part that loves it
for letting me have you lie next to me
I was so far but you brought me all the way
And no one ever did that for meNo one knew how, they were too afraid to try – I was too weak to tell them why
Too terrified not to terrify
I’m lucky as the hell you think you deserve
But hell would steam if it met the warmth of your heart, so you see why they made heaven in the first place you perfect atheist?
And you may not love me yet but I know you will
Because you already feel all that I’m not supposed to feelAnd I know you’re imperfect, but I love your flaws and the rest will heal
All that I can do is to love you still
And I may not love you yet
but I know I will

If you want me to be a shell
I'll wear the colours of pearls and shiny shades of pink and white and I'll tell you stories of the sea and forbidden islands
If you want me to be a blanket
I'll be soft and warm and comfort you
Soak your tears in and dry them upI'll be your favourite colour, and hold your favourite memories
If you need me to be a shield
I'll be strong and heavy and I'll protect you
If you need a friend
I'll hold your hand and say the words you need to hear
I'll keep you close and ask of your wellbeing
I'll give you all the space you ask for but insist you know where to find me when you need toIf you want me to be a lover
I'll kiss your body top to bottom all way through
And touch you where you like to be pleasured
We can distract ourselves as we pretend that it's okay that I'm a shell that you collect and throw away
Or a blanket that's left cold on the sopha
We can pretend that it's okay that I'm a shield that takes bullets for you
And without me you are vulnerable and weak
I'll be left looking at the aftermath lying on the floor with pride and terror
So that we can pretend that my pleasure is redundant and yours is holy
And when we're done pretending I will ask
If you know my heart or my enemies
If you know how much it hurts
For me to be a shield, or a blanket, or a shell
And I can no longer be the girl you loved
As I have changed for you

I've been taking more showers

I've been drinking more tea

I've been doing my homework

My lists, my workouts, my boundaries

And I've been keeping no secrets from my family

I'm still struggling often

I'm still figuring out

But much is feeling different

I'm on a different route

No immediate results promised

No expectations, no stress

But I promise to be different

Action, preparation and rest

I'm not interested in hustling

In running till I'm out of breath

I walk fast, I walk slow

As long as I'm walking, I'm winning my race

I've been making good friends with some of my exes 

I've been feeling detached and forgiving for the rest

I've been making better art and better decisions

I live in the now,

and excited for the next 

I can feel it again
The heart grows bigger
And love grows deeper
As I’m learning to love myself again
More space opens up to love others
And if I give it enough time
The heart grows
Full of stretch marks
Like a growing teenager’s back
Like the legs of a runner
And a little like a butt getting bigger from squats
Yeah, just like that
Full of stretch marks and scars
But it’s still a heart
And stretch marks don’t mean nothing but good stories for pillow talks
If I give it enough time to heal
Because I allowed myself to find joy all by myself
Now I’m almost free with somebody else
So I’m learning to love myself again
Enough time was spent on self hatred and pain, bleeding wounds that are starting to fade
Now all I’m left with, are some cuddle-worthy pillow talks
And clearer boundaries for myself
Now some truly good people
love me just the way I am
With stretch marks